2.01: None of you can keep a secret

Thanks to everyone for some good responses! I discovered that under no circumstances should I ever, ever, hook up with someone randomly and then let you walk in and see me. NEVER. Because you'll tell.

Some highlight responses:

First I'd like to respond to Greg, who said:

By the way, Ben, couldn't you have just said you SAW an opened condom wrapper on
the floor? That just goes beyond creepy that you would get that close to look.

I'd like to make it clear that by my original question *I* didn't get close enough to look - *YOU* - as in whoever is reading the email, got close enough to look. Ergo, when Greg was responding to my email, *HE* got close enough to tell that one of his friends was using a condom while having anonymous, drunken sex on some poor person's bed (and lots of poor people's coats). I'll let you all pass judgment appropriately.

Second, I'd like to give the "Oh God, I don't know what that means, but I have a pretty good idea, and I'm just as happy not knowing for sure" award to none other than Steve Unwin. You're an example for us all (*Note: I didn't see what *kind* of example you make for us all, but it's definitely an example of SOMETHING).

Well shit, Ben. Considering this is happening at a party, and I'm getting ready to leave, we can assume I'm utterly fucksmashed and riding an ego-high off of a 10 game beer pong winning streak. That being said, I would first assess if the couple were freaky enough to consider some chinese finger trap action, if so, we're all winners(god, I love the theatre). If not, I ninja my way out of the room, coat in hand, and tell everybody heedless of the potential consequences, realizing the next day what an asshole thing I'd done and probably feeling...well...slightly guilty. but only a little bit...It's just fucking, people, get over it.

Yes I know I directly contradicted ben's set up (taking it easy, only having a few beers), but cmon. this is me we're talking about.

But the prize goes to a late entrance, Dan Berger. He begins by showing suitable enthusiasm for the triumphant return of QOTW (yes, "Hooray" is the appropriate response).

Hooray! More question of the week!

Well this is a delicate situation, and I think I can answer both questions in the same exciting scenario:
I would wait until all three friends are in the same room. Then I'd say "Hey friend1, you'll never guess who saw friend2 and friend3 doing it in your bed!"
And friend1 would say "Who Berger who?"
And I'd say "It was lovable old Berger!" After the shocked expressions arise on friend2's and 3's faces, I'd say:
"Haha, I got you guys good. But seriously, you were really going at it. On his bed. When you were too drunk to remember. Here's photographs as proof. Well, see ya!"

Then I'd go and look for new friends.

Thanks to all for the great responses!